Feeling 24

Few days ago, I found that quotation in a timeline Line of a relative. He added, "Sometimes people need to be dropped and slammed to understand the feeling of falling and tread yet smell the soil."

If that so, I was growing up a lot since last year (2016), when I spent my age in 23. Since early year, I cried a lot because my grandmother was passed away because of cancer, my boyfriend, with whom I was having a relationship for 5,4 years broke up two days after my thesis defense, two months later I just knew that I was cheated, then I let go off my prior dreams twice (in publisher and mass media), and now I am still seeking for a secure job after faced failures from two biggest BUMN in Indonesia. 

I know, I have no right to complain because a lot of people suffer more than me. Two juniors was left by their beloved parents until they had to became orphan in a young age. Friends in my inner circle was lied, cheated and left with/ without reasons which did not make sense. Another friends failed while she was applying job in BUMN, but the failure was followed with an additional news that forced her to be operated, for the sake of his health. And the last one, even a good and strong figure like Ahok could fail and tempted after struggling so hard for people sake.

I cried so hard when I hear or watch this happen to people around me. I asked myself, why  it is so unfair? Where is the justice?

I know, this may sound bitter. But perhaps, you will not understand the pain unless the same things happen to you. But what I realize is, we never know, we surely never know what will happen to us in a year, in a week, in a day, or even in a minute. Suddenly calamity comes and a lot of "why" questions cross your mind.

Why this happen to me? Why he could treat me like this? Why I have to fail after this long journey? Why I have to face all of it in very young age? Why I do not immediately get a better exchange? Why it seems like the problems do not reach the ending? What does He want from me? And so on.

It was very tiring yet burdensome, so after all contemplation, I tried not to seek the answer, not to think and feel again but forgive myself, became more sincere, calmer and never expect something before it reach "The End". If problem comes, I try  to remain silent, stand tall above my problem(s) and smile. 

It was not easy and I am afraid that I do not recognize myself anymore, because it was spirit and ambition which define who I was, and now I am loosing it drastically. But like what was tweeted by my junior,

"I told her once I wasn't good at anything. She told me survival is a talent." - Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted. 


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Meet The Author

Inez Hapsari media & public relations enthusiast | children stories writer | jazz lover | I live to the fullest to be young and in love.